PARENTING FOR SEXSMART CHILDREN

Article

Memories of Kind Parental Touch Lead to A Lifetime Of Pleasure
Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.

As parents, each of us wants to leave our child with a legacy-important knowledge, good values, something powerful and positive, something of ourselves which will last in the child, which will be our gift to them, when we are gone from this earth. This is a worthy undertaking. But it can be risky and make us feel like failures, because kids -it turns out- actually are impossible to control.
We struggle, as our kids mature, with this notion of legacy. Some of us get caught up in the materialism of the world and are convinced that we won't be able to leave our children "enough" goodies, as we work to pay our own bills and worry about retirement. Many times, we sacrifice time, money, and peace of mind for them: we want them to do better than we did in the world. We worry about them, at every turn, and invest in important things like private tutoring for difficult subjects, or getting up early to drive them to a better school than the one they could get to easily and without our help. We sit in an old car drinking coffee, at 5AM every weekday morning, so they can go to hockey practice. We worry about their friends. We work hard to talk to them about what we think are important values, and have to face their wrath and scorn. "Jeez, Mom, Don't tell me that. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not stupid, Mom."

At times, we despair, because our kids grow up and seem to have such different values than the ones we treasure. The kid whose parents took her to the symphony becomes mad for rap music. The father who got up at 5AM to drive his kid to the best school in the city sees his child crash and burn academically in his freshman year. Conservative parents who homeschooled their daughter awake one day to see her become a multiply-pierced, atheistic, grungy, college dropout. Having invested so much in our vision of how their future will turn out, it is so hard not to be scared or disappointed as we watch them navigate through the waters of life.

As a sex therapist and a psychologist, and as a parent, as I watch and experience these struggles with my patients (and in my life too), what always strikes me is that one of the most critical legacies we can leave our kids is the most simple: a childhood full of appropriately loving touch.

The benefits of receiving good touch are lifelong and profound. Children who are appropriately and lovingly touched will feel profoundly loved; they will feel they deserve only good things; they will grow up to experience their body as attractive; they will feel lovable; they will grow up to be able to self soothe; their self esteem will be higher; they will feel safe in the world; and they will feel comfortable expressing their own loving feelings to others through touching. Memories of good parental touch last every minute of a child's life, and these visceral, tactile memories of being so cared for can be called up during times of loneliness, stress, or illness.
The link our children will make between love and safe, appropriate, caring touch teaches the most important lesson about sex. They learn that touch is important. That touching is meant to be between people who are emotionally attached to eachother. Our tender touches will make them less likely to have mindless, souless sex (if that's what you can call back-of-the-bus blowjobs ) with people who are only out to use them. And conversely, the fact that our children link love, touch, kindness, and safety will provide a foundation which will allow them later to experience deep sexual pleasure in an emotionally intimate relationship.
Good touch does not get any respect in America, and I don't really know why. It doesn't get talked about in the newspaper, it doesn't get Googled much, and it doesn't get discussed in school (except all the emphasis on not letting strangers touch you, and keeping your hands to yourself in class).
While you can take courses in massage, (even in erotic massage….), there aren't any courses to teach you how to touch your children as they go through different developmental phases and ages. Yet what could be a better legacy to leave your kids? The simple pleasure of routinely being gently bathed, splashing and having water play, then being tucked into bed, hugged and kissed by a mother or a father is more powerful than a million dollar inheritance.

If you were lucky enough to have had parents who touched you a lot when you were growing up, then caressing your own children will seem easy and natural.
My own memories of good times with my parents are heavily weighted to times of verbal and physical affection, and they are vivid. My mother generously linked verbal praise and touch. I recall standing in my house in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as a teenager, wearing a new pale blue flocked dress which set off my green eyes. I was preparing to go out on a date. My mom came up, faced me, took me in her arms, hugged me, and said, "Oh, my angel child." My mom is dead, yet that 40 year old memory still vibrates with feeling. And I always feel beautiful in that color. My father expressed love more by touch than by words. He and I had a ritual of back scratching which lasted throughout our lives. He woke me up for school by scratching my back for years and years. One of my last memories of him, when he was dying of cancer, is lying next to him in bed and scratching his back. The association of back-scratching with love and pleasure and connection permeates my life, and is now a part of my relationship with spouse, friends, and my kids.
If you weren't lucky enough to have had good touch from your parents when you were growing up, then learning to touch your own children is going to be more of a struggle, but it can be done. If you came from a neglectful or abusive home, it can be painful to get in touch with what you didn't have. But it can be a growth point, a way of opening yourself up to feeling more. For starters, consider getting a regular massage yourself, so that you begin to link non-sexual touch and pleasure. Another great way to become comfortable being more affectionate is to watch other parents with their children at playgrounds, on the street, or on vacation. Make mental and written notes of how the parents expressed their affection, and begin to imagine what this would look like in your own family. Then, begin to touch in your own family. Think about ways to reach out physically, and pick one which doesn't intimidate you. Handholding, for instance. Then just try it. It might feel awkward, but once you give the message that it's ok to touch, your kids will reach out to touch you. And even if it feels awkward at first, feel good about yourself for persevering, because giving your kids the gift of loving touch is the best legacy there is.