Cruel Conversations and the Couples Who Have Them: Boston Sex Therapist on Becoming Curious About a Destructive Pattern

by Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D.   Psychologist, Marriage and Couples Therapist, and Certified Sex Therapist

I was watching the movie Le Weekend with Lindsay Duncan and Jim Broadbent the other day.  From the perspective of a Boston sex therapist, this movie is a busman’s holiday. Two Brits going to Paris for an anniversary celebration. The two characters were well educated. He was a professor, she a teacher.  They had been together for many decades.  They were dependent on each other.  He had had an affair 15 years ago.  She would have nothing to do with him sexually, and he was literally crawling on the rug in a Paris hotel, on his hands and knees, just pleading with her to let him sniff her.  It was never totally clear which came first the chicken or the egg, whether she had stopped being sexual with him because of the affair, or whether he had had the affair because she was so closed off sexually.  At one point, she literally pushed him down in the street, and he hurt himself.  Then he got up and walked on with her, acting like it was perfectly normal.  She apologized, but still.  This is abuse.

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Boston Sex Therapist to Guys: Here’s the Secret to Getting More Sex from Your Long Term Honey (If You’re Straight)

Guys, I’m going to tell you something you may or may not want to hear: There is no such thing as a free lunch, and there is no such thing as automatic, passionate, happy sex in an ongoing, long-term relationship. This goes triple if you have kids.

Courting a woman, being present emotionally in the relationship, and being kind, and giving, and cooperative in whatever work has to go on in your life, is the hottest foreplay around. The word “foreplay” is deceiving. Continue reading

Sex Therapist in Boston: Having Sex When Not in the Mood is a Bad Idea

There is a trend lately for sex therapy in Boston to lean on the Nike slogan “just do it” when working with straight women whose desire is way less than their husband’s. Just to be clear, I mean sex therapists telling women to “Just do it” meaning: “Just go along to get along” with your husband, so that the husband won’t feel rejected, be cranky, and act miserable. (This phenomenon also may apply equally well to gay women in long term relationships.) Now, mercy sex (as we sex therapists call it) is a perfectly good strategy to use periodically. But I have to say, my clinical experience has led me to believe that a consistent use of this strategy actually makes the woman’s desire problem worse in the long run. There is a much better, more constructive, healthier and happier solution to the problem of mismatched desire. It just isn’t a quick fix, that’s all. Continue reading