Sex Therapist in Boston: Having Sex When Not in the Mood is a Bad Idea

There is a trend lately for sex therapy in Boston to lean on the Nike slogan “just do it” when working with straight women whose desire is way less than their husband’s. Just to be clear, I mean sex therapists telling women to “Just do it” meaning: “Just go along to get along” with your husband, so that the husband won’t feel rejected, be cranky, and act miserable. (This phenomenon also may apply equally well to gay women in long term relationships.) Now, mercy sex (as we sex therapists call it) is a perfectly good strategy to use periodically. But I have to say, my clinical experience has led me to believe that a consistent use of this strategy actually makes the woman’s desire problem worse in the long run. There is a much better, more constructive, healthier and happier solution to the problem of mismatched desire. It just isn’t a quick fix, that’s all. Continue reading

Boston Sex Therapy Notes: Physically Violent Home Affects Sexuality

Greta*, a thirty three year old woman sat in my office, nervously fidgeting with her hair.

“I’m having terrible relationship problems. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s making things really bad with my boyfriend. This is the first time I have ever lived with someone. And six months into the relationship, for some reason, I stopped wanting to have sex. I began to feel that it bothered me to be touched… I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.  …Actually, now that I think of it, I’ve had trouble having pleasurable sex my whole life.” Continue reading

Boston Sex Therapist on Painful Sex: How to Ask for Sex to Stop “Right in the Middle”

(Adapted from her book Sex Talk (New Harbinger, 2002) with Lauren Dockett)

Painful sex is a much more common phenomenon than most people understand. It is not shown in sex scenes in movies or on TV. Perhaps it is because the media does not show sexual pain as being normal, but people respond to having sexual pain as if it is shameful. It most certainly is not! Continue reading

Prisoners of Parenthood: How to have Hotel Sex without the Hotel—Tips from Your Boston Sex Therapist

As often happens in my Boston sex therapy office, a straight couple with children are bemoaning the fact that it is almost impossible to have the privacy and the luxury of getting away somewhere private and comfortable to have sex at a time of day where they are not worn out and exhausted. It really is a common, frustrating problem. We’re not talking about people who are willing themselves to be in sexless marriages, we are talking about people with actual sex drives and wishes for sexual connection who are essentially what I think of as “prisoners of parenthood.”  Since most people have children in this country, I’m sure some of you reading this will relate.

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