S-E-X Therapist Helps Couple Make a Great Connection

February 10, 2003

By Angela Salvucci
The Patriot Ledger

Sex therapist Aline Zoldbrod says that above everything else, sex should be about ‘‘connection not perfection.’’

‘‘People have started to think that the way you have sex is to have a perfect sexual response cycle, and that if they don’t go through all the cycles like a dishwasher, then the sex wasn’t good. That’s completely wrong,’’ says Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., of Lexington, who has been a practicing sex therapist for more than 25 years.

‘‘You don’t have to be perfect and be multiple orgasmic. It’s about trusting a person to give pleasure to your body,’’ she says.

Zoldbrod is the author of several books, including ‘‘Sex Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What You Can Do About It,’’ and, most recently, ‘‘Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On,’’ which she co-wrote with erotica and relationship writer Lauren Dockett. Zoldbrod deals with couples or individuals with problems or obstacles in their sex lives, and she has plenty of advice for a sexy Valentine’s Day.

‘‘It’s worth playing. People are so stressed out and they don’t set aside time for leisure. But you can’t just switch into lust mode. It takes a lot of time to switch gears,’’ says Zoldbrod. So, the first step to improving your sex life right away is to devote enough time to relax and enjoy being together.

For your Valentine’s Day date, she says, ‘‘I think for a lot of people, an evening out is very romantic. But plan ahead and ask where your Valentine would like to go.’’

Zoldbrod has some special advice for married guys looking to make Valentine’s Day special for their wives:

‘‘The sexiest thing a guy could do for a woman is get a babysitter on his own - that would be the best.’’

And, she says, dancing is a great date activity for the sexual energy it creates. ‘‘Going dancing is very sexy because of all the touching and dressing up.’’

Another sexy suggestion from ‘‘Sex Talk’’ is having a ‘‘The Bookstore Blowout,’’ where you and your partner visit a large bookstore with comfy seating like Barnes & Noble or Borders, browse the sex or erotica section, and grab any books with pictures or ideas that you find stimulating or interesting. Find a couch and scan through the books with your partner, she says, ‘‘and then go home and have fun.’’

Or, stay at home and cook up a ‘‘Sexual Banquet’’ complete with ‘‘appe-teasers,’’ a main course, and desserts. For each course, fill a bowl with each partner’s favorite sexual and sensual activities written on little slips of paper. Each partner takes turns drawing an activity from the bowl, which can range from ‘‘two minutes of gentle kissing’’ to stripteases to mutual feedings, as long as both partners enjoy the activity.

For out-of-practice lovers, Zoldbrod advises to ‘‘start with touch.’’ To try her ‘‘Body Map’’ exercise, start by drawing four gingerbreadman-like shapes, representing each partner’s body, front and back. Each partner then uses crayons to color-in the entire shape, using red for areas where they don’t want to be touched, green for areas they do, and blue for areas that are sometimes off-limits. Once the Body Maps are complete, give each other massages touching only the green areas.

The Body Map activity is helpful to many of her clients, who in childhood did not learn to associate touch and love, and need to re-learn that touch can be pleasurable. The activity was part of the treatment of one of Zoldbrod’s favorite success stories, that of a couple that was about to retire and wanted to enjoy every aspect of their retirement. For the wife, sex had never been enjoyable, and her husband wanted her to love having sex as much as he did.

‘‘They actually put sex on the top of their list of things to do. It was hard for them, but it worked. They were very happy,’’ says Zoldbrod.

The secret to keeping an already great sex life alive?

‘‘Talking, checking in, being each other’s best friend, be careful about what your inner dialogue is about that person,’’ says Zoldbrod.

Zoldbrod says that the best thing to do if you’ve got your heart set on something for Valentine’s Day - sexually or otherwise - is simply to let your Valentine know.

‘‘Don’t ambush your partner. If you know what you want, do your self a favor and tell them,’’ she said.

Zoldbrod hopes to relax with a nice dinner and a trip to a jazz club or a movie this Valentine’s Day. Hint, hint.

For more information on Zoldbrod and her books, visit her web site www.sexsmart.com.

Angela Salvucci can be reached at asalvucci@ledger.com.

Copyright 2003 The Patriot Ledger