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S-E-X Therapist Helps Couple Make a Great Connection
February 10, 2003
By Angela Salvucci
The Patriot Ledger
Sex therapist Aline Zoldbrod says that above everything else, sex
should be about ‘‘connection not perfection.’’
‘‘People have started to think that the way you have
sex is to have a perfect sexual response cycle, and that if they
don’t go through all the cycles like a dishwasher, then the
sex wasn’t good. That’s completely wrong,’’
says Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., of Lexington, who has been a practicing
sex therapist for more than 25 years.
‘‘You don’t have to be perfect and be multiple
orgasmic. It’s about trusting a person to give pleasure to
your body,’’ she says.
Zoldbrod is the author of several books, including ‘‘Sex
Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What You Can
Do About It,’’ and, most recently, ‘‘Sex Talk:
Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On,’’
which she co-wrote with erotica and relationship writer Lauren Dockett.
Zoldbrod deals with couples or individuals with problems or obstacles
in their sex lives, and she has plenty of advice for a sexy Valentine’s
Day.
‘‘It’s worth playing. People are so stressed out
and they don’t set aside time for leisure. But you can’t
just switch into lust mode. It takes a lot of time to switch gears,’’
says Zoldbrod. So, the first step to improving your sex life right
away is to devote enough time to relax and enjoy being together.
For your Valentine’s Day date, she says, ‘‘I think
for a lot of people, an evening out is very romantic. But plan ahead
and ask where your Valentine would like to go.’’
Zoldbrod has some special advice for married guys looking to make
Valentine’s Day special for their wives:
‘‘The sexiest thing a guy could do for a woman is get
a babysitter on his own - that would be the best.’’
And, she says, dancing is a great date activity for the sexual
energy it creates. ‘‘Going dancing is very sexy because
of all the touching and dressing up.’’
Another sexy suggestion from ‘‘Sex Talk’’
is having a ‘‘The Bookstore Blowout,’’ where
you and your partner visit a large bookstore with comfy seating
like Barnes & Noble or Borders, browse the sex or erotica section,
and grab any books with pictures or ideas that you find stimulating
or interesting. Find a couch and scan through the books with your
partner, she says, ‘‘and then go home and have fun.’’
Or, stay at home and cook up a ‘‘Sexual Banquet’’
complete with ‘‘appe-teasers,’’ a main course,
and desserts. For each course, fill a bowl with each partner’s
favorite sexual and sensual activities written on little slips of
paper. Each partner takes turns drawing an activity from the bowl,
which can range from ‘‘two minutes of gentle kissing’’
to stripteases to mutual feedings, as long as both partners enjoy
the activity.
For out-of-practice lovers, Zoldbrod advises to ‘‘start
with touch.’’ To try her ‘‘Body Map’’
exercise, start by drawing four gingerbreadman-like shapes, representing
each partner’s body, front and back. Each partner then uses
crayons to color-in the entire shape, using red for areas where
they don’t want to be touched, green for areas they do, and
blue for areas that are sometimes off-limits. Once the Body Maps
are complete, give each other massages touching only the green areas.
The Body Map activity is helpful to many of her clients, who in
childhood did not learn to associate touch and love, and need to
re-learn that touch can be pleasurable. The activity was part of
the treatment of one of Zoldbrod’s favorite success stories,
that of a couple that was about to retire and wanted to enjoy every
aspect of their retirement. For the wife, sex had never been enjoyable,
and her husband wanted her to love having sex as much as he did.
‘‘They actually put sex on the top of their list of
things to do. It was hard for them, but it worked. They were very
happy,’’ says Zoldbrod.
The secret to keeping an already great sex life alive?
‘‘Talking, checking in, being each other’s best
friend, be careful about what your inner dialogue is about that
person,’’ says Zoldbrod.
Zoldbrod says that the best thing to do if you’ve got your
heart set on something for Valentine’s Day - sexually or otherwise
- is simply to let your Valentine know.
‘‘Don’t ambush your partner. If you know what you
want, do your self a favor and tell them,’’ she said.
Zoldbrod hopes to relax with a nice dinner and a trip to a jazz
club or a movie this Valentine’s Day. Hint, hint.
For more information on Zoldbrod and her books, visit her web
site www.sexsmart.com.
Angela Salvucci can be reached at asalvucci@ledger.com.
Copyright 2003 The Patriot Ledger
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